


March to the sea

by josh_u_r_dun



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Angst, Eating Disorders, Eating Disorders?, Hospitals, I will add more tags later, M/M, Ocean, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, This probably sucks, i think, i'm not sure, joshler - Freeform, sorry - Freeform, sorry not sory frens, this will be kinda fluffy, trigger warning, yeah - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-27
Updated: 2016-04-26
Packaged: 2018-05-23 11:07:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 4,242
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6114601
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/josh_u_r_dun/pseuds/josh_u_r_dun
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I walked on letting the water creep up to my shoulders.<br/>“I’m sorry,” my tears spilled over.</p>
<p>Finished</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The End.

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNING!  
> If you are easily triggered please read carefully (or not at all)
> 
> i wrote this last night so im sorry if this really sucks  
> its not proof read cause i cant be bothered but i might if its really bad

I gasped for breath; it felt like i was drowning already. My thoughts were suffocating me as I shakily walked towards the water.  
_No one cares about you, Tyler. We both know that_.  
I pulled at my hair, hoping that it might quieten Blurry for just a second.  
_They don’t care about you; I doubt they would even notice you are gone. It would be better for everyone if you were dead._  
“No, no, no, I don’t want to,” my tears streaked my face, adding to the water that was now at my feet. I looked down to the blood that was making its way down my legs.  
_You’re a burden to everyone. You just get in the way, you’re just a worthless piece of trash to them._  
“Josh, loves me. I’m not a burden,” the thought of Josh puts a sinking feeling in my stomach.  
_He’s just too nice to leave, he feels sorry for you._  
I took a deep breath before i walked further into the ocean.  
_You couldn’t even say goodbye in person. You texted him like the weak, useless, pathetic thing you are._  
I stopped when the water started lapping at my thighs. I closed my eyes, letting the salt sting the fresh wounds. I looked back to the sand to where my phone sat.  
He’s not coming to get you. He’s happy you’re finally doing it. Ending your worthless life, I mean we both know you’re just taking up space. He even knows where you are but you not worth his time, you never were, and he knows that, he always has.  
I walked on letting the water creep up to my shoulders. I looked up to the sky; it blended seamlessly into the sea.  
“I’m sorry,” my tears spilled over once again. “I’m so, so sorry,” it was barely a whisper this time. I was not sure who i was apologizing to. Josh? My family? Friends? The person who will find me? God? It’s only now that i realize that I was not only saying sorry to them but to myself. I had a life to live, but that would not last.  
_All you have to do is follow the waves. Imagine how free you will be._  
The waves were getting rougher and harder to move against. I heard a lot of slashing behind me before I let the waves swallowed me.  
My lungs burnt and i could no longer stand that well. My heart was racing as black crept into my vision .The waves pushed me back into something as I let myself go into the darkness.

 

I coughed, opening my eyes to find a man leaning over me. He was saying something, I couldn't hear him.  
“Sir, can you hear me?” he questioned; it was muffled and I could only just make out his words. I nodded, not trusting my voice. I looked over to find Josh frantically asking questions as i was lifted into the vehicle by the man, I didn't have any time to protest before my fell back into the silence.


	2. This is not what i had planed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Waking up in a hospital is not what I had planed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING!!  
> If you are easily triggered please read carefully (or not at all)
> 
> I have not proof read this so I'm hoping this makes sense

I awoke to the steady beep of my heart monitor. I swallowed thickly; I was alive, that was the exact opposite thing I wanted. I shifted slightly to find there was a weight holding my hand. I opened my, being briefly blinded by the lights. Once my eyes adjusted to the bright white room, I looked around taking in my soundings. The room was almost completely white or grey with the exception of the wires that lead to me; I then turned my attention towards the person next to me. He was asleep in a chair next to me. He was slumped forwards with one of his hands under mine; his figures loosely wrapped around me. I didn’t want to wake him, but I couldn’t help reaching out and running my other hand through his faded blue hair.  
“Tyler,” he mumbled sleepily, “Tyler,” he was now awake enough to press the button that called the nurse.  
“Josh,” he smiled at me, squeezing my hand. He lent in carefully wrapping his arms around me.  
“We almost lost you, Ty, you nearly left us,” he pulled back, quickly wiping away his tears.  
_That was the point. We’ll just have to try harder next time won't we, Tyler._  
“I’m sorry, I won’t do it again, I promise,” I hoped it sounded convincing because I was planning on breaking that promise later; after all is that not what it’s for?

“Hi, I’m, Jenna, and I will be your nurse,” she had short blonde hair and piercing blue eyes.  
“Uh.. Hi, Jenna,” she took the clipboard from the end of my bed and wrote something down.  
“Now, is it okay if I ask some questions?”  
_No it's not okay._  
“Sure.”  
“Right, what is your full name?”  
“Tyler Robert Joseph.”  
“What’s today's date?”  
“Um… Monday, the twenty second of February? Unless it’s still Sunday”  
“It’s Monday,” she smiled up at me, “what’s your date of birth?”  
“First of December 1988.”  
“Okay, thank you for your time, I will get some food sent your way,” I was about to argue but she left before I could say a word.  
“Josh?”  
“Hm?”  
“I’m gonna go to sleep.”  
_Yeah, and maybe you won’t wake up again._  
“Mm okay, Ty,” he lent over and kissed my forehead “sleep tight.”

I woke up to Josh gently shaking me.  
“Hey, Ty, your dinner is here,” I grumbled, pushing the blankets off me and moving up the so I was sitting up. It was only now I realized I was in my pajama pants.  
“Hey, Josh, did put me in these?”  
“Yeah, why?” I saw his eyes soften, telling me he knew exactly why.  
_He hates you, He thinks you're weak. He will never forgive you for breaking the promise. He is going to leave you for someone stronger, and less broken._  
“I, Uhh... Ju-just wondering.”  
“Hey, Ty, it's okay,” he took my hand and pressed his lips gently to the bandages, “please don't cry,” it was only now I realized I had tears running down face.  
“I’m- I’m sorry, Josh,” I was sobbing now “I th- thought you would be better without me,” he pulled me into a tight embrace. When he pulled back i saw he to was crying.  
_He isn't sad, he's just disappointed you didn't follow through in time. He doesn't want you anymore, Tyler, He never did. No one does._  
“Please don't ever think that, I love you and I wouldn't trade the you for the word, especially just a piece of it,” he hugged me, rubbing my back until i calmed down more.  
“Thank you,” he pushed my tray of food towards me.  
“Hey, Tyler, I know you’re not hungry but can you please eat something for me?” I looked down knowing that, Blurry, would not be happy but nodded anyway. He slid the table around so i could get to it easily before placing the tray on it.  
“Please try to eat it all.”  
_Don't think that I’m going to let you eat that. We both know you don't deserve to. I slowly started to eat._

I carefully put the knife and fork to the side of the plate when i was full. Josh, watched me closely before speaking.  
“Thank you, Tyler,” he moved the table back so it was no longer in the way. I untangled myself from the blankets before I swung my legs over the edge of the bed.  
“Where are you going?” he wasn't mad, just curious.  
“Bathroom, I’ll be back soon okay?” He watched me closely before standing.  
“Mm, I think I will go as well,” he grabbed my hand and drew soft circles onto the back of it, “I know you like your personal space, but I need to make sure you’re safe.”  
“I know,” I slid off the bed and onto my feet. That's when I remembered digging the blades into my legs. I lent on, Josh, and he wrapped his arm around me, taking most of my weight.  
“Thank you, Joshie.”

When we got back, Josh, decided it was easier to carry me back in. I buried my face into his shoulder.  
“When can I sleep?  
“Whenever you want, sweetie,” I giggled.  
“Don't call me that ever again, Jishwa.”  
“Okay, fine,” he squeezed me slightly before putting me back on the bed and tucking me in.  
“Can I sleep now?” I hoped he wouldn’t mind.  
“Of course, Ty, goodnight,” he smiled and took my hand in his.  
“Go home, Josh, you shouldn't stay here all night.”  
“But what if I’m not here and you need me?”  
“I’ll be fine, Josh, please go home,” he looked down.  
“Okay, but I will be here as soon as possible, and don’t argue,” I sighed accepting that I was not going to win.  
“Goodnight, Josh,” he placed a small kiss onto my forehead.  
“Goodnight, Ty,” he gave my hand a final squeeze before he left, leaving me alone. I tried to ignore, Blurry, who was muttering quietly in the background as I waited for sleep to take over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is longer than planed so I hope you enjoyed reading it (I'm sorry but i was unsure how to end it)
> 
> kudos and comments are always appreciated  
> If you wanna talk my tumblr is josh-u-r-dun


	3. But believe me I'm fine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Not much happens (Sorry guys)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING!!  
> If you are easily triggered please read carefully (or not at all)
> 
> So it took awhile, but it's finally here (yay)  
> yeah not much happens in this, frens  
> Sorry

“I’m leaving you,” the words rung in my ears, “I don’t love you, I never really did.”   
“But, Josh, you promised,” tears pricked my eyes.   
“You don’t deserve my love, you never did, and I can see that now,” I looked down not wanting to meet his eyes. “I wish you died that night. It would have been better for everyone.”   
“Where did I go wrong? I tried my best to be the best person I can be. Please tell what went wrong,” I was sobbing now. He was leaving me. The reason I was alive was now, gone.   
“Your best isn't good enough, Tyler, it never is. You’re just a worthless, weak, waste of space that is a burden to everyone. You don’t deserve any of this. It’s all too good for you,” I looked back up to him but he looked different. He looked happy, free, like a weight had been lifted off his shoulders. This just send me into a new wave of tears.

 

“Hey, Tyler, it’s okay,” I woke up to find, Josh, crouched down front of me. I sat up and let my sobs shake my body.   
“Please don’t leave me, Josh,” he sat on the edge of the bed and pulled me closer.   
“I will never leave you, Ty, I love you too much,” he rubbed  small circles onto my back, “I will always be here for you,” I curled into him; craving his touch.   
“I’m trying, I’m sorry for not being enough,” he placed a kiss to the top of my head.   
“It’s okay, Tyler, you’re enough, you’re always enough,” he held me close to him until I started to calm down. “I love you, Tyler,” he gave me one final squeeze before pulling back. “I have to go to the bathroom, okay? I’ll be back soon.”   
“Okay,” he got up and left. I was alone once more.

_ He’s never coming back. No one would after what just put him through, I mean, look at him. He’s a mess and it’s all your fault.  _

I looked across and found tray of food sitting on the table. I sat up and pulled it across so I could see what it contained. When I opened the lid I found toast, but there was something else. A knife. I quickly grabbed the it and slid it under the waistband of my pants (Josh had brought me my own clothes) I couldn’t believe they let another knife into my room. It had to be an accident.

_ They want you to kill yourself. Everyone does. _

I pushed the tray back and waited for, Josh to come back.

 

When, Josh walked back in he was smiling.

“So, I meet the doctor on the way back and, they said that you can go home today,” he pulled the table over to me so I could eat. I smiled up at him. He squeezed my hand before turning away to check his phone. I used this to quickly sneak the knife back onto the plate. I needed to go home.

“Josh, they gave me another knife,” I held it out for him so, he could take it. He frowned.   
“They’re not doing a very good job at keep these out are they?” He put it back on the tray and watched me carefully as I ate. 

 

I excused myself when I was done went into the bathrooms. I made sure no one was following me and they were all empty before I kneeled down in front of the toilet. I took a deep breath before shoving my fingers down my throat and spilling my stomach contents into water.

_ I didn’t even have to tell you to do it this time. What a good boy, doing it all by himself. You’re learning! _

I flushed it away making sure to leave behind no evidence before rinsing my mouth out with water.

  
When I got back I saw, Josh talking with my doctor. I sat back down on the bed reliving my legs of the weight. The doctor started giving some speech about safety and told me to sign a page with words on it (I don’t know what about but, Josh signed it to so it must be safe) so i could go home. Home. Something I haven’t seen in a long time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well done for making it to the end   
> The next chapter might be a bit more interesting (no promises though)
> 
> kudos and comments are always appreciated   
> and thank you to those who have left them xx


	4. Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was good to be home. But nothing good ever lasts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING!!!!!  
> if you are easily triggered please read carefully (or not at all)
> 
> guess what guys... it's not proof read (do i even have to say this anymore)  
> and it was all written one my phone at like midnight.

When we got home, Josh, pushed me down onto the bed and lay down behind me.

“I love you, Ty,” he wrapped his arms around me, pulling me closer. For the first time in months I felt safe but, of course that couldn’t last.

_ You think you can get better? You’re unfixable, so why not just end it? You know how, I know you do. _

“Love you too, Jish,” we stayed like this until, Josh, fell asleep.

I slowly removed myself from his arms, being careful not to wake him. I made my way into the bathroom. It was good to be home. But that couldn't last either. Everything sharp I had hidden was no longer there. I frantically pulled the bathroom apart but soon moved into the kitchen to look for something. Anything. I picked up a stay fork; it would have to do. I heard a muffled voice from in the bedroom.

Frick. He woke up.

_ Quick, Tyler, or he might stop you again. _ He started laughing hysterically like he told a great joke,  _  did you like my joke? He’s not going to stop you. He hates you. Everyone does. _

I locked the bathroom door behind me. I sat in the bath bending the handle of the fork backwards and forwards. Back, forwards, back, forwards. There was a knock on the door.

“Tyler, please let me in,” I kept working the metal until it broke into two. I dropped one of the halves, before I dug the other end into my arm.

“I love you, Josh,” I pressed it in harder; but it still wasn’t enough.

“Tyler, please open the door,” something hit the door and I hoped it wasn’t him. I crawled out of the tub and turned the lock. The door flew open.

“Tyler!” He keeled down in front of me and, applied pressure to my arm with one hand and ripped the folk from my grasp with the other.

“I’m sorry,” I choked on my sobs.

“It’s okay, everything’s okay,” I don’t know if he was talking to himself or me but, it felt good to know he wasn’t to mad at me. The bleeding had almost stopped when, Josh took both pieces of metal away from me. 

“I'm going to put you to bed okay?” I nodded and let him carry me back into our room and put me on the bed. He crawled up in front of me, and gently pressed  kisses to the scares on my legs, arms, and stomach.

“I love you. You know that right?” he ran his hand through my hair.

I nodded. 

“Good, cause I really do,” he moved and pulled some blankets over me.

“Thank you,” he curled up behind me.

“you've had a big few days, yet get some sleep,” I shuffled back into him.

“Love you,” he mumbled a response, which was muffled by my neck. I slowly let myself fall into the welcoming embrace of sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have no idea what im doing with this but I think (dont hate if its not) its gonna get fluffy
> 
> thanks for reading frens  
> kudos and comments are always appreciated  
> and thank you to those who have left them xx
> 
> tumblr: josh-u-r-dun


	5. Made it another year

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They cuddle and it's Tyler's birthday.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING!!!
> 
> Not proof read
> 
> I'm open to tag sugestions and propts feel free to tell me if you think of any.
> 
> Tumblr: josh-u-r-dun

I woke up to, Josh, cuddled up behind me. I rolled over and buried my face into his chest, smiling when he pulled me closer.

“Morning, Ty,” he ran his hand through my hair, and down my back before, untangling himself from me.

“Morning, Jishwa,” I reached out for him but, my arms were too short.

“Go back to sleep, Tyler, I'll be back soon,” he tucked me back in before leaving the room.

\---

“Hey, Ty, wake up,” I hesitantly opened my eyes to find, Josh, leaning over me.

“Mm?” I was still too asleep to make actual words.

“I made breakfast,” he smiled down at me as, I was handed a tray.

God he was cute.

I grinned, gratefully taking it from him.

“Happy birthday, Ty-Dye,” he put a blue candle into the cupcake, that sat in the middle of the plate before he broke into song.

“HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAY TO YOU!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y-mph,” I threw a pillow at him as an attempt of silencing him.

“Ssh, Jish, I'm right here, and the whole world doesn't need to know. And i think normal people light the candle,” he shrugged.

“Couldn’t find a lighter, and there is this thing called imagination,” I put on my best fake hurt expression before, hitting him over the head with my pillow.

“Ow, dude,” he laughed, then shoved the cake into my face. I scrapped some of the food from my skin and, rubbed it into his hair.

“Oh come on, now we both need to bathe.”

“Don't worry, we can shower together,” I winked at him before, getting up and dragging him behind me.

 ---

I stood at the kitchen counter as, Josh, put three small pills in front of me with a glass of water. I took them without a word.

_It's fine, they'll just come back up with breakfast._

I took a cupcake off the bench, forcing myself to eat it.

_Fat, disgusting, unworthy. What makes you think you can just eat? Come on sweetie, we both know it needs to come back up._

I nodded and began to walk to the bathroom, but Josh, stopped me.

“Where you going?” he wrapped his arms around me.

“Bathroom,” I prayed he would let me go.

“Mm, later okay? Unless you keep the door open. All the way,” I nodded and walked into the bathroom, making sure he did not follow me.

I crouched down in front of the toilet. Blurry, was right.

I was fat and disgusting.

I put my fingers into my mouth, but my hand was pulled away from me.

“Tyler, no. Please don't,” he pulled me up into a hug.

“I love you, I love you, I love you. You’re a beautiful, beautiful boy,” I melted in his arms.

“I need to, Josh,” he slowly lead me out, into the bedroom.

“No you don’t, Tyler. Don't listen to him, okay? You’re a precious, beautiful boy, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise,” he pulled me into the bed.

“I'm sorry,” I sniffed, burying my face into his neck.

“It’s okay, Ty.”

“I can’t be fixed, Josh,” he lay down, dragging me with him.

“Yes, you can. You’ll get better, Tyler. It might not be today, tomorrow, or next month, but it'll get better. I promise,” I nodded, still fighting to keep my stomach contents in, but I trusted him.

I would get better one day.

Or so I hoped.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading frens
> 
> I was thinking of writing a chapter from, Josh's POV, what do you guys think?
> 
> To be honest I have no idea where I'm taking this but things should slowly more fluffy (No promises)
> 
> If you guys want something to happen tell me, and I'll try to make it happen (No smut)
> 
> Kudos and comments are always appreciated, and thank you to those who have left them. You make me very happy


	6. I don't know what to call this

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is a really short and hopefully fluffy chapter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Possible trigger warning!!
> 
> This is just really short. Hopefully the next one is longer.
> 
> I'm taking prompts, so if you have any ideas, send them in.
> 
> Not proof read
> 
> Tumbler: josh-u-r-dun

Josh

*****

I silently let my tears run down my face while, I watched the sleeping person next to me. I was holding his hand carefully, enough not to wake him but just so knew he was there. He looked so calm sleeping, his face void of any emotion. Running my fingers through his hair, I pressed a small kiss onto his temple.

“I love you, Tyler. Please don't leave me,” I knew he probably wouldn't hear me but, it made me feel better just saying it.

He didn't need to know I was crying.

My tears became heavier and, heavier until, small sobs made their way past my lips.

He stirred slightly next to me.

“Josh?” I froze.

“Jishwa?” he was more awake now. I attempted to wipe away the streaks that were left on my face, but they were only replaced seconds after.

*****

Tyler

*****

The bed moved slightly beneath me. 

“Josh?” I was still half asleep and unable to do anything right.

“Jishwa?” I sat up slightly, turning to face him. My movements were slow as, I reached out for him.

“What's wrong?” it was to dark to see his face clearly.

“Nothing, I'm fine, Ty. Go back to sleep,” his voice broke on the last few words.

“Josh, please,” he pulled me into him, burying his face in my neck.

“You were almost gone, Ty. I don't know what I'd do without you,” I tightened my grip around him.

“It's okay now, I'm not going to leave you, Jishwa. I love you.”

_ Don't lie, Tyler, it's bad. You know I'm going to win. _

“I love you too, Ty,” I sat with him, just as he had for me many times.

After a while he became quiet, his breathing even and calm.

“Goodnight, Jish. Love you,” I lay him down under the blankets before, curling up next to him; waiting for sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked it frens  
> The next chapter should be the last
> 
> Comments and kudos are appreciated as always  
> And thank you to those who have left them, they make my day 50x better


	7. See you soon xx

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm hoping this is a satisfactory ending

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING!!
> 
> Not really proof read, blah, blah, blah.   
> If you've made it this far in, i think you know the basics of what goes in here.
> 
> This chapter takes place around six years after the last (i Know its a big jump, but its what i think works best)

**Josh  
******

I pulled on my jacket, not wanting to be late meeting, Tyler. I grabbed my phone and, a list of things I had to do before leaving.

I was outside the flower shop just before it opened. I prayed they had his favorite.

When the doors opened I went to look for their roses. Tyler, loved white roses, he always said ‘they look so innocent and pure, something I’ll never be’ so,  I grabbed twelve of them, along with a single red rose. I hoped he wouldn't mind, me getting him the same flowers every year but, this way knew liked them at least a little. I said goodbye to the florist and left. The they were held together with blue ribbon and cellophane.

I quickly texted him.

**You: Happy birthday Ty. Love you xx**

I made my way into the small coffee shop, that was placed a few blocks from where I was. I waited in like before, ordering a black coffee, to help keep me going. I thanked, Jenna? I think her name was, Jenna, for my coffee before, leaving- I still had a lot to do. My phone buzzes in my pocket, alerting me of a text.

**Tyler: Love you too Josh. You mean the world to me, don't forget that.  
** I smiled down at the message like a teenager who just got a cute message from their crush. I tucked it back into my pocket before, finding the nearest craft store.

I stood in the aisle staring blankly, until so blue pebbles caught my eye. I grabbed a pack them, and took them up to the counter.

When I got outside, I texted him once more.

**You: I'll see you soon Ty. Don't forget you are my everything and you deserve to be happy xx**

I sat outside and drunk my coffee, which for some reason, I didn't get yelled at for having. At exactly nine thirty, I got another text.

**Tyler: I remember when we first meet, and you spilled your coffee on me. I am, and forever will be, thankful for that moment. You have have brought me so much happiness, while I only gave despair. You say I deserve to be happy, so that's what I'll be. Remember that Josh.  I'd give you my life to make you happy, I'd do anything, to see you smile. So please I ask you to do two things: smile for me when I'm not around, the world needs more beauty. And please, don't forget about me, for you'll always be on my mind.**

**I'd love you till your world ends; and even after that, but it seems mine will be the first to leave. Just don't forget that I love you with everything I have.**

**You deserve the best, and I'm not that, but don't worry, I will see you again.**

I smiled and, decided I better leave now, or I'd be late.

I quickly made my way up the hill, I dumped my empty cup into, a rubbish bin I passed. I held the flowers in one hand, while I used the other to straighten my clothes. I made it to the top and found, Tyler.

“Hey, sorry if I’m a little late,” I lay down next to him, looking up at the sky.

“Happy birthday, Ty,” I put the flowers on him.

“I love you,” I gently patted the headstone, before placing the pebbles around it. I knew that he would like the blue, and how it looked with the grass. I re-read the last notification one last time. 

Five years ago, at this exact moment, my world ended.

“It's not the same without you, Ty,” I reached for my phone, sending one last text.

**You: I'll see you soon xx**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please don't hate me
> 
> This story is for everyone who has read and commented/ left kudos on this, because you make me so happy xx
> 
> I'm taking prompts so if you have any, send them in
> 
> Tumblr: josh-u-r-dun

**Author's Note:**

> well dun if you made it to the end but if you skipped to the end to see if it got better im sorry it doesn't.
> 
> i would appreciate kudos and constructive criticism 
> 
> if you want to chat my tumblr is josh-u-r-dun (i dont bite)


End file.
